Ah, Valentine’s Day. That special day of the year when couples across America contribute massively to the country’s GDP by buying wine, chocolate, cards, flowers, and butt plugs… but what about those of us who don’t have a significant other on this shitty wonderful day?
Reader, I am glad you
1. Sit quietly at home alone, all alone
You can use this opportunity to contemplate what the heck you are doing with your life and all the mistakes you made that got you to this point. If you have any major regrets, now is definitely the time to think about them over and over and over again. Get all of that stuff out of the way so you can start fresh the day after!
2. Touch yourself
Eww gross. Not like that, you perv. I mean you should get in touch with how your body is doing health-wise. Any weird lumps anywhere? Is your throat sore at all? Is that rash a sign of something serious? How about that mole… does it look asymmetrical?
The more you worry about things that could be wrong with you, the less you will think about how terribly, miserably lonely you are while literally all of your other friends are enjoying a romantic day with their significant other.
3. Revise your will
Did you accidentally leave everything to your girlfriend who dumped you for the 6’6 professional athlete several days ago? Will your favorite family member have to look after your dog if you die in a tragic watermelon accident? Wait a minute–did you even write a will?
If any of these questions struck a chord, now’s your chance to act! Nothing says “Valentine’s Day” like getting back at that bitch Susan by removing her from your will. Suck it, Susan! You and your dick boyfriend can enjoy not getting any of my $300
4. Get trashed
Some of you may have realized this quickly, but this tip isn’t exclusive to Valentine’s Day at all. It’s a fantastic family-friendly activity that you can do alone OR by yourself!
Protip: Remember to tip the bartender extra well, because (s)he will probably remember things that you will not.
5. Get creative!
Being alone doesn’t have to mean you have to be dull. Use this day to be your own muse and exercise some creativity! You can try things like…
1. Throwing rocks at things that piss you off
2. Dressing up like your favorite superhero and following little kids around at the park to make sure they are safe from pedophiles
3. Drawing stuff with your dick
4. Trying to get through airport security while dressed in full scuba gear
5. Asking your landlord for a refund on your last rent check because you spent most of last month sleeping under bridges
6. Naming other people’s dogs after common household objects
7. Wishing you were dead
What are your plans for surviving Valentine’s Day as a miserable single person that nobody wants to be with? Leave a comment below to share!