One day when I was at the airport, I saw someone who looked like my coworker Greg, who was supposed to be leaving for a vacation to Hawaii that day. I wasn’t quite sure it was Greg, though, so I hid behind a nearby TSA agent and shouted, “Hey Greg!” and checked to see if the guy would respond.
He looked around like someone had just called his name, but that may have been because I shouted really loudly in a crowded airport. Lots of other people were looking around, too. I still wasn’t sure if it was Greg, so I tried dialing Greg’s number. Greg answered his phone, and so did the guy I was spying on. I quickly hung up, but I still wasn’t completely sure; it may have been a coincidence that the guy and Greg picked up their phones at the exact same time.
Just to be super extra sure it was Greg, I emailed Greg’s girlfriend anonymously and told her Greg was cheating on her. Shortly after this, the guy picked up his phone, looked at it, and left the airport in a hurry.
The following week, I saw Greg at the office, and he told me that he had to cancel his Hawaii trip because his girlfriend was freaking out because some anonymous asshole told her that he was cheating on her. I asked him,
“Was it 11:34 AM when your girlfriend texted you?” He responded,
“Yeah, that’s about when it happened. Wait a minute how did you”
Anyway, this one’s a reader request. Here goes:
1. Periodically send company-wide emails.
Nothing says, “I’m working really hard right now, look at me!” than emails sent to everyone in the company. Be sure to set your email client to send your last company-wide email of the day extremely late at night (~2:30 AM) to make it look like you were putting in extra hours. Also, make sure the emails are memorable by inserting
2. Find a person who looks kind of like you
and have them fill in for you. Give them your company badge, have them sit at your desk, and give them enough guidance to make sure they don’t completely destroy the company while they are subbing in. This will work best under the following conditions:
i. You are relatively new to the office (your coworkers still call you “newbie”)
ii. You have a nondescript face (your coworkers refer to you as “that one gal/guy” or “that one person with a nondescript face”)
iii. You don’t come into close contact with your coworkers (you work in a cubicle/your own office/the basement of the company building because nobody can stand your BO but you refuse to wear deodorant for religious reasons)
3. Eat lunch at your desk
all day long. And have something work-related open on your computer. When people pass by your work area, they will be impressed that you are using your precious lunch break to solve difficult work problems, while in reality, you are just carb-loading for the marathon you will run in 5 years probably if you feel like it.
4. Get a seeing-eye dog.
This one is a bit trickier than the others because it has a lot of steps, and you have to be legally blind to have a seeing-eye dog. Don’t try to fake blindness, because that’s just disrespectful.
Once you’ve stabbed your eyes out with a stick, get the biggest, angriest seeing-eye dog you can find and keep it on your desk. Any time someone tries to check in on how you’re doing, the dog will bark and chase the person away, so nobody will know if you’re actually being productive or just checking braille Facebook. Mission accomplished.
5. Walk around the office frantically with a lot of documents.
If you walk around the office hurriedly with a pile of documents under your arm, people will believe you are busy when all you’re doing is getting steps in on your Fitbit. Pretend you’re looking for someone, but don’t tell anyone who you’re looking for because you run the risk of someone helping you find the person, and then you’ll have to find a different excuse to walk around the office. If someone asks if they can help you, just angrily respond,
“No! I am really in a hurry right now and I don’t have time for your shit, Karen,” and they will leave you alone so you can continue to wander frantically.
As a side note, this one is much easier to do with eyesight, so I hope you didn’t try number 4 on this list first.
6. Take up smoking
Smoking is a personal choice, just like putting sticks in your eyes or becoming a vegetarian, yet companies treat it like it’s something that is completely out of their hands, much like a tiny, surgically unremovable Siamese twin sticking out of your neck that whispers horrible things into your ear. I did some math and discovered that my smoker coworkers actually make 45% more per hour than I do because they take so many “smoke breaks” throughout their workday in addition to their regular breaks.
The fact that smoking is treated
The great thing about this method of not doing work is that there is very little downside. The worst that will happen is that you will get lung cancer and suffer a slow and agonizing premature death while the medical system strips away all of your hard-earned money for chemotherapy.
What’s your favorite way to not work? Share in the comments below!