Ah, fruits. We’ve all encountered them at one point or another in our lives, especially in San Francisco.
I can’t think of anything else to write for the intro, so here are the 5 worst fruits in no particular order:
1. Cactus Fruits
Cactus fruits are dangerous objects. Literally anything you do with them ends in splinters in some part of your body. Yes, literally anything.
For example, if you stick cactus fruits up your butt to win a bet with a friend, the splinters will end up in your butt hole canal and be very hard to remove. Imagine having to endure the following conversation with your coworker:
Bob from accounting: “Happy Monday, Jared! (Your name is now Jared. Live with it.) Did you have a good weekend?”
You: “No. It was awful.”
Bob from accounting: “Oh no, that’s not good! What happened?”
You: “I stuck a cactus fruit up my butt and spent the entire weekend trying to get the splinters out using tweezers and a hand mirror.”
Bob from accounting: “Well, that’s certainly not a fun way to spend a beautiful weekend!”
2. Pineapples
You know that prickly sensation you get in your mouth when you eat a pineapple? Or it can even be a stinging sensation, especially if you have cuts on the inside of your mouth caused by a cactus fruit you tried to eat whole.
That tingly and/or stinging sensation is caused by bromelain, a naturally occurring substance found in pineapples that is used to tenderize meat. In other words, every time you put a piece of pineapple in your mouth to eat it, the pineapple is putting up a fight and trying to digest you right back. If you don’t think that’s even just a little bit fucked up, you’re wrong. Pineapples are awful, spiteful motherfuckers.
Plus, if you ever try to stick a pineapple up your asshole to see if you can get it through your body and pull it out of your mouth, the first thing the pineapple will do is rip your asshole to shreds, guaranteed. You’ll probably end up having this conversation with your coworker:
Bob from accounting: “Happy Tuesday, Jared! Boy, you don’t look too well.”
You: “I only got 30 minutes of sleep last night.”
Bob from accounting: “Oh no, that’s not good! What happened?”
You: “I stuck a pineapple up my ass and spent most of the night suturing my asshole back together with a sewing kit and a hand mirror.”
Bob from accounting: “Oof, yep, I feel you. It’s never fun to have to repair your own asshole!”
3. Chili Peppers
Did you know chili peppers are technically a fruit? Me neither, until I found this article on the Internet*.
A lot of people in a lot of different countries like to put chili peppers in their food, but they are wrong. Chili peppers contain capsaicin, which is the chemical responsible for the spiciness associated with the fruit. Capsaicin is also a key ingredient in bear mace.
“Mmmmm, this spicy chili pepper is so delicious,” you say. I hate to break it to you, Jared, but that is incorrect. Spicy is not a flavor. It is pain. It is literally just your brain telling you that something bad is happening inside your face. If you are experiencing pleasure because of this pain, you are by definition a masochist. No judgment here, but just remember that next time you put a chili pepper in your mouth.
Another minus is that chili peppers can really burn your butthole area if you get some in there by accident. This is the conversation that would likely ensue between you and your coworker, should you find yourself in this unfortunate circumstance:
Bob from accounting: “Happy Wednesday, Jared! Wait a minute, are you crying?”
You: “Yes, I’m… I’m in so much pain right now.”
Bob from accounting: “Oh no, that’s not good! What happened?”
You: “I slipped on a banana peel and ended up with a fistful of chili peppers up my anus last night. I used an enema and a hand mirror to squirt water up my ass to wash out the capsaicin to make the pain go away, but it still burns like crazy.”
Bob from accounting: “Ouch, that’s no fun! I recommend you try using milk. I think that will work better.”
4. Pomegranates
Pomegranates aren’t the worst thing to happen to this planet–that honor goes to creepy doll heads. However, pomegranates have seeds that make up about 90% of the fruit, so you have to eat the seeds to get the most of a pomegranate unless you enjoy throwing away something you paid money for. But then again, the seeds aren’t that much fun to eat because they get stuck between your teeth and have a weird crunchy-ish texture. Throw out the seeds and waste your hard-earned money; eat the seeds and have a bad time. You’re in a lose-lose situation with pomegranates.
Also, it can get annoying to pick all the seeds out if you’ve stuck them up your butt hole to see if you can fart them out like a machine gun.
This is a conversation you might have with your coworker, all thanks to pomegranate seeds:
Bob from accounting: “Happy Thursday, Jared! Why are you under your desk?”
You: “I’m trying to reach something that’s stuck, and I’m having a difficult time.”
Bob from accounting: “Oh no, that’s not good! What happened?”
You: “I put a lot of pomegranate seeds into my butt hole last night. I’ve been here for the last 2 hours with a spoon and a hand mirror, but I just can’t get the last one out.”
Bob from accounting: “I think you need a new hobby, Jared.”
5. Watermelons
Watermelons are over 90% water, so you can rest assured that when you buy one, you are being ripped off, much like pomegranates. This is because most of your money is being used to buy water, which you can get from a faucet for a lot less money. Plus, you have to spit out the little black seeds, whereas the white ones are edible. Watermelons are imbuing racist thoughts into fruit lovers’ subconscious minds, which is just not awesome.
On a related note, have you ever tried to stick a whole watermelon up your butt to see if it would increase your IQ? I’m not the most religious guy around, but there probably isn’t a worse hell than having something that big inside your butt hole.
Here’s a conversation you might have with your coworker if you buy a watermelon:
Bob from accounting: “Happy Friday, Jared! How–“
You: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
*And because it’s an article on the Internet, you know it’s trustworthy.