5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Shove a Stick into Your Eyeball

I’ve spent a good 20 years on the Internet, most of which I have spent not looking at porn. But you know what I haven’t seen in all my years of Internet browsing? Anything other than porn Serious advice about whether or not you should insert a stick into your eyeball. Of course, I haven’t searched specifically for this because I’m not a weirdo, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

 

Anyway, here’s the dumb list.

 

1. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

If you’ve ever accidentally stuck your finger in your eye while trying to pick your nose like I have many times, you know that that hurts. Now, imagine that instead of your finger, a stick is going into your eyeball. Ouch!

 

2. Sticks and eyeballs don’t like each other.

Have you ever seen a stick and an eyeball being friends? Neither have I. That’s because sticks and eyeballs are worst enemies. There is no reason to try to change the natural order of things.

 

3. Your mother would be upset.

Stop reading. Close your eyes. Imagine your mother. Now, imagine your mother staring in horror at you as you grin smugly at her and slowly put a stick into your eyeball. Do you think she would be happy about this? No, she would be upset, and that’s bad.

By the way, if you are still reading, you have failed at following instructions. I specifically asked you to stop reading and close your eyes, which you are clearly not doing. Not being able to follow instructions would make your mother sad, too, so you should probably start being able to do that.

 

 

4. A website told you that it’s a bad idea.

Not convinced yet? Consider that an online Internet website blog page told you it’s a bad idea. Websites don’t lie, ergo ipso facto carpe diem Semper Fidelis hocus pocus, you should not stick a stick into your eyeball.

 

5. It is difficult to get a replacement eyeball.

Putting a stick in your eyeball will most likely ruin your eyeball, and you will want a new eyeball to replace it. However, getting a new eyeball is difficult. You may have to ask 3 or 4 friends before one of them will agree to give you their eyeball to replace your sticked one.

 

There you have it. If anyone ever tells you that you should put a stick into your eyeball, make sure to carefully weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. There are probably equally good arguments for going through with merging your eyeball with a stick, but this author believes you should abstain. Should you ignore my advice and proceed to stick your eyeball, at the very least, put a condom on the stick first. Using protection will make your mother less sad.