Ah, the classic question that every potential parent faces: Should you adopt a living, breathing child who had the unfortunate fate of being abandoned by her/his parents, or pick up a rock off the street, put it in a box, and call it a day?
If you read the title of this article, then you already know the answer to this question. Give yourself a pat on the back to congratulate yourself. Now rub your back a little. Kiss your arm while continuing to rub your back. Kiss it some more. Good, good. Now wrap your other arm around yourself, too. Make out with yourself while rubbing your back with both hands, because by gosh, you’ve earned it.
Now let’s talk about pet rocks and the kid you won’t adopt.
1. A kid may grow up to become a serial killer. A pet rock will not.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not big on taking huge risks. Did I lose a ton of money on Bitcoin? Yep, of course. Did I eat the black fuzzy stuff growing in the back of my fridge? Sure, I took several bites on a dare. Did I put my dick in an industrial vacuum cleaner? Okay, yeah, like twice, but who hasn’t?
But other than those small things, I like to play it safe with my life decisions. This means that if there’s even a small chance that I will raise someone who may eventually become a serial killer, I won’t do it, and that’s something you should consider, too.
Below, you will find some data to help you see my point.
Number of human serial killers in the United States: A lot
Number of pet rocks that became serial killers: 0
I believe the numbers speak for themselves.
2. A pet rock is cheaper to raise than a kid.
Below is a chart of all the costs involved in raising a pet rock vs raising a kid to adulthood. I had to adjust the numbers a bit because rocks mature much more quickly than children on average, but even still, to literally nobody’s surprise, it is significantly cheaper to raise a pet rock than an entire human being.
| Kid | Rock | |
| Food | $5,000,000 | $0 |
| Entertainment | $400 | $0 |
| Clothing | $50 | $5,000 |
| Transport | $800,000 | $0 |
| Housing | $56 | $1,000 |
| Health | $3.50 | $3.49 |
| Education | $200??? :/ | $500 |
| Miscellaneous costs | $92,170,349,173,498,572,893 | $400 |
| Total | Nope | You can do this |
Source: Numbers and stuff
3. A pet rock is a good listener.
Have you ever tried to tell a 5-year-old about your financial issues, your marital problems, or how you accidentally called your boss “Colonel Fart-Blossom” instead of “Bob” to his face? Of course not! That’s because you know that the kid will get bored and walk away. Kids are selfish little pricks, so if there isn’t something in it for them, they generally won’t pay attention to anyone for longer than 3 minutes.
Rocks, however, have the patience of the gods. You can talk about how lonely your Valentine’s Day was, that weird rash growing behind your nutsack, or even quantum physics, and the rock will listen quietly and patiently. With a pet rock, you will have both a loyal friend and a reliable therapist at your disposal. As a side note, my therapist is an asshole.
4. A pet rock will not bully you throughout middle school and high school, call you mean names like “four eyes,” steal your lunch money, spread rumors about you, trick you into doing embarrassing things in front of the girl you have a crush on, blackmail you, punch you in the stomach when the teachers aren’t looking, or otherwise just be a horrible dick to you.
5. Owning a pet rock will earn you mad respect.
Specifically, my mad respect. If you get a pet rock, I will respect you. Not a lot of people deliberately give up on adopting a child and opt for a rock instead. Major kudos to you if you walk down this path.
Were you convinced? Did you get a pet rock? Post your comment below and share a picture of your adorable new family member! Or don’t. Nobody likes a bragger.