Composting: It’s that mysterious thing you’ve been watching others do without understanding what they’re up to but getting weirdly turned on by it, like when you were a kid and you walked in on your parents doing it. But now that you’ve repressed that memory and live in a cool hip metropolitan city like San Francisco, Portland, or Seattle, it’s time to learn what composting is all about.
What exactly is composting? Composting is the act of turning stuff into compost. And what the heck is compost, you ask? Compost is what you get as a result of the composting process. Now that you know as much about composting as the average American, let’s dive right into the different categories of compostables and non-compostables.
Things you can compost
The general rule of thumb is, if you can eat it, you can compost it. Here are some examples of things you eat regularly that you can actually compost:
-Sawdust
-Eggshells
-Grass clippings
-Fingernail clippings
-Toenail clippings
-Other people’s food scraps, including leftover lasagna and Chinese food
-Uncooked pasta
-Coffee grounds
-Pizza boxes
-Your own hair
-Your neighbor’s hair
-Your neighbor’s dog’s hair
Things you can compost if you try really hard
The following are things you can compost, but you may have to take extra steps or do more research to figure out what the exact requirements are to compost them.
-Rocks (Be sure to grind them up into a fine powder first, preferably with your teeth for extra bragging rights.)
-Excrement (No need to grind it up with your teeth, because that wouldn’t be awesome. Some poops are more compostable than others, so you will have to do some research to figure out whether your poops are compostable.)
-Tea bags (No, not the act of gently dipping your scrotum into an unsuspecting victim’s open mouth. That’s what we refer to as teabagging. I am referring to the actual tea bags used to make tea, which you can use to clean the taste of nutsack out of your mouth. Be sure to remove any metallic or plastic components before attempting to compost tea bags.)
Things you can compost only on weekends and holidays
The following are things you can compost, but you probably don’t want other people to see you composting them because it would require an explanation or be embarrassing. If you do catch someone composting something in this list, just let them be. Nobody likes a nosy neighbor!
-Your dead goldfish
-Your still-living goldfish
-In fact, fuck goldfish. Those things are pointless and hard to take care of.
-Chihuahuas and other small dogs
-Star-nosed moles
-Car salesmen
-Animals of any species–oh, I guess I could have just said that, haha
Things you cannot compost
Finally, there are things that you just can’t compost, even if you are the President of the United States*.
-Anything made out of metal, like those firearms you keep in your safe JUST IN CASE IT HAPPENS, MAN, JUST IN CASE IT HAPPENS.
-Electronics, like that giant electronic dildo your parents bought you for Christmas that caused the worst long, awkward silence of your life.
-Anything made out of glass, like that giant glass dildo your parents bought for you the following Christmas to make amends for giving you the electronic one and making things awkward.
-Anything made out of plastic, like those nice headphones your parents bought for you the Christmas after that because they finally took a hint and stopped buying you dildos. But also like that giant plastic dildo they secretly bought for you, just in case you actually wanted another dildo.
-Your childhood dreams, especially the ones you still look back on fondly while not doing anything remotely similar to as an adult.
Congratulations! You have finished the Life Is Too Hard article on composting, making you an official black belt in composting. Fun fact about myself: I live in a compost-friendly city where people regularly toss plastic cups into compost bins and coffee grounds into recycling bins**, which makes me think people here just enjoy actively sucking at composting. If you see someone doing something like this, please karate chop them in the dick and show them how true composting masters compost things by sharing this article with them. Now go buy yourself that black belt and compost it!
*If you are the President of the United States, we need to talk. I have some ideas for how to run this country.
**True story, bro.