You’ve probably heard of and perhaps tried some unconventional ways to use your pecker throughout your life. Swordfighting? Child’s play. Digging for clams at the beach? Unoriginal. Slapping your employee across the face for insubordination? Getting there, but we could do better. I say it’s time to step up your penis game. Let’s dust off that old sausage, wring out the puss, and get it ready to learn some new tricks!
Below, I’ve listed five ways to use your schlong that you can practice and probably add to your resume. The skills are listed from least to most difficult and have scores showing the level of Pain tolerance, Endurance, Nimbleness, Intelligence, and Skill required. The total of these measurements will be referred to as the P.E.N.I.S. score in this article.
As a side note, this article is intended for those who own a penis. A detachable one will suffice in a pinch if you want to try out any of the suggestions* below. And if in case it wasn’t obvious, this article is probably NSFW unless you work in some industry where these types of skills are needed, like porn or teaching fifth-grade math.
1. Wipe your butt
To wipe your butt with your member, you’re going to first have to make sure it’s flaccid (do this by thinking about literally anything other than bitcoin) and pull it back toward your asshole. Then, careful not to get your fingers covered in brownie mix, drag your johnson along the crack away from your sack. That rhymes on purpose.
The feat may require you to stretch your Johnson to its limits, but the payoff is yuge with a capital Y: That is, you can save a lot of money on toilet paper. The key takeaway here, of course, is the shit from your asshole.
Pain tolerance: 3
Endurance: 2
Nimbleness: 1
Intelligence: 2
Skill: 2
Total P.E.N.I.S. score: 10
2. Swat flies
Traditionally, one would use a flyswatter to swat pesky flies, but we all know that flyswatters are kind of dumb. So instead, why not use a simple but versatile tool in one of the many ways it was intended–your penis?
Just like you would with a flyswatter, aim your member at the motherfuckers and swing as quickly as you can to end their miserable little lives. Once you get the hang of it, it’s really quite simple!
Pain tolerance: 2
Endurance: 3
Nimbleness: 5
Intelligence: 2
Skill: 3
Total P.E.N.I.S. score: 15
3. Stir your coffee
Coffee stirrers cost money and are bad for the environment, yet people continue to buy the disposable wooden sticks every year because they can’t be bothered to learn how to do it with their own genitals. In fact, the coffee stirrer industry makes about $100 billion** every single year. That’s a lot of money being thrown at something that can be done for free by half the world population!
So instead, fellow frugal, Earth-loving, meat-sword-wielding human being, go ahead and use your pecker for the task. The steps are just as you would imagine: Get a fresh cup of coffee, pull down your pants and underwear, dip your wang in the cup, and make a circular motion with your hips to stir your coffee. Using your fingers to control your dick is an amateur move, so definitely don’t do that. Keep your hands placed firmly on your hips and show that coffee who’s boss.
As an added bonus, you’ll know when your coffee is cool enough to drink because you’ll be able to dunk your dick into it without screaming.
Pain tolerance: 5
Endurance: 5
Nimbleness: 2
Intelligence: 1
Skill: 3
Total P.E.N.I.S. score: 16
4. Shuffle cards
Imagine this: You’ve just withdrawn your last $300 from your checking account, you’re tired of not being rich, and you’re determined to stop doing the thing where you’re not rich. So what do you do? You decide to take a big risk with the last of your money using the one skill your uncle did teach you: Poker.
You land in Vegas and visit a casino. Looking around, you find a table with an unused deck of cards. You zip open your fly, flip your peter out onto the table, and amaze the other gamblers by shuffling the cards beautifully. Everyone is cheering as cards fly elegantly through the air and land in a neat pile right in front of you. Your dick takes a bow.
People are shouting for an encore performance, and the owner of the casino personally greets you to offer you a job as a dealer for $400,000 a year: an obscene amount of money for a dealer probably. You politely decline and instead go on to play poker with some idiots with too much cash on their hands, because that’s where the real money is. You win game after game, quickly turning your pocket change into $100, $1,000, then $100 trillion. You have more money than you could possibly use in a lifetime.
Little did the others know, you had a little trick up your sleeve, aka in your pants: while you were shuffling the cards, you used your nuts to create a separate secret stash of cards to draw from and add to your hand. But nobody has any proof–you were far too quick and skillful for the casino security cameras to capture anything, and besides, you’re way too rich and powerful now for anyone to do anything about it. You spend the rest of your life bathing in money and doing whatever the heck you want, thanks to your peculiar pecker poker skills.
While this fantasy is playing out in your head, you nudge some cards around with your dick and the police quietly handcuff you. You failed to escape being a bum in real life, but hey, you’ve got a great story to tell your cellmates, and isn’t that what really matters in life?
The moral of the story: Practice hard, watch out for paper cuts, and take care of those you love.
Pain tolerance: 2
Endurance: 4
Nimbleness: 3
Intelligence: 5
Skill: 5
Total P.E.N.I.S. score: 19
5. Juggle thumbtacks
No. No, no no no. No no no no no no no no no no no. No. No. No. No no no no no no no no no no NO. NO NO NO NO NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
NO.
Pain tolerance: 5
Endurance: 5
Nimbleness: 5
Intelligence: 3
Skill: 5
Total P.E.N.I.S. score: 23
That does it for this article! What did you think? Did your uncle teach you other ways to use your willy? Is your junk covered in cuts and bruises? Leave a comment below!
*Disclaimer: As always, nothing in this article is actual advice. Life Is Too Hard does not recommend trying any of the above with your dick and will not take responsibility if you end up hurting yourself and/or others, or worse, lose the respect of your friends.
**I could not find any sources for this because it is a lie.