Imagine this scenario: You’re the “social media expert*” at your company. Your manager has tasked you with writing an article about how to scoop various fruits out of your butthole, but you have been slamming shots of 190 proof vodka for the past 3 hours to win a dumb bet with your dumb friend. As a result, you won the dumb bet, but you are thoroughly trashed and worried that your article might not be up to par. Sound familiar?
If so, then you are not alone: A recent survey found that 1 out of 2 Americans have made this exact mistake in the past two years. For those of you who are more or less familiar with how surveys on this website work, yes, that does mean I asked two people if they have been drunk at the workplace and one of them said yes. But fear not! Your article can still be written, and the writer of the article can still be you! Just follow the steps below, and you will be all set.
1. Get drunk
The first step is critical. If you’re not drunk first, you won’t be writing an article while drunk. Instead, you’ll be writing it while sober, and we all already know how to do that. Once you have shotgunned enough beers to see two step 1’s on your screen and the phrase “I want to squeeze your cantaloupes” is funny, move on to step 2.
2. Make sure you don’t drink too much
This step is also critical. If you pass out and get carried off in an ambulance that your dumb coworker called after drawing dicks with a marker on your sad, unconscious face, you will not be able to write the article. In fact, you will just be stuck with a hospital bill and probably a really bad hangover. And also dicks on your face. Stay safe and dick-free, kids.
3. Be older than 21
This is yet another critical step. Actually, just remember that all of these steps are critical. If you skip any of these steps, this article won’t work as intended.
Because America is the best country in the world, we make people wait well past the age where they can legally hump each other, get married, smoke cigarettes, and die fighting for their country in a war before they can have a beer. This system has worked beautifully: America no longer has drunk driving accidents and nobody gets alcohol poisoning, ever. That’s why you need to be older than 21 to drink. You should also know that as of 2017, the minimum drinking age of 21 years applies even if you live outside America. We have made America great again, so we expect everyone outside the country to obey our laws even if they don’t need to.
4. Think about what to write
If your manager gave you instructions about what to write, you need to try to recall what those instructions were. For example, if your manager asked you to write about how to feed a pregnant gorilla without getting your arms broken, but you choose to write about how to cure all forms of cancer forever, you will probably lose your job and disappoint the millions of people who really wanted to know how to feed their pregnant gorillas safely.
Suppose you can’t remember what your manager asked you to write, or you are a freelancer and are therefore your own manager, you lucky dog, you. In that case, it’s time to take a chance and wing it. You should leverage your increased imagination resulting from being inebriated, aka your drunkenness superpowers, to think of a super cool topic that will blow your readers’ minds. In all likelihood, you will probably end up writing about dicks, and that’s totally okay, too. You just do you, man.
5. Write the article
The result:
Congratulations, you did it! Now you have a beautiful article to show your manager, who will surely give you a high-five and a promotion for being awesome. Remember to wipe the puke off your chin before heading home for the day!
*Believe it or not, this is a real job. Social media experts, especially the employed ones, make real money.