I’ve gathered the best pickup lines from the best parts of my brain and put them on this page for you to put to use. Go get ’em!
Important note: Most of these pickup lines are intended for guys to use. This is because women are usually too smart to rely on pickup lines to get laid.
1. Are you a police officer? Because your badge looks really realistic and your genuine metal handcuffs are cutting into my wrists. Also, please stop pressing my head against the side of your patrol vehicle.
2. Did you fall from heaven? No? That’s okay, I was at fault here. Nobody has been able to objectively prove that they’ve actually seen a real angel, so that makes sense. I think what threw me off was that you’re cute and I have a boner.
3. Are you a computer from the ’90s? Because I have a floppy dick for you.
4. I hope you’re a school teacher because our city badly needs more teachers to help our future generations be prepared to take on all the challenges brought on by rapidly evolving technology in the 21st century. We live in very interesting times and you should sleep with me.
5. Hey there, do you like having meat in your mouth? I secretly live in an industrial freezer belonging to a major food processing plant and have illegal access to a lot of frozen dead animals. [Wink]
6. Is it okay if I touch your chin fat? I haven’t felt the flesh of another human being in over twenty years.
7. Does this rash look serious? I went to the doctor’s office and they told me not to worry about it, but I really want a second opinion.
8. Does this tumor look malignant? I went to the same doctor and they told me it’s benign, but I’m concerned about some other symptoms I’m experiencing.
9. Is there supposed to be hair growing out of there? I think I really need to find a new primary care physician. I don’t trust my current one, as you may have noticed.
10. Alright, fine, I’ll stop asking you to examine my balls. But my butthole definitely looks abnormal, right?
11. Your smile is so bright, it’s like an improperly maintained nuclear power plant that’s malfunctioning and about to explode, resulting in a blinding flash and the deaths of thousands of innocent human beings who live within the blast radius.
12. I MUST BE IN A LIBRARY BECAUSE THERE ARE BOOKS EVERYWHERE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE READING OR STUDYING! WHY IS EVERYONE GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS?!
13. One of my fondest memories is from when I was just five years old and my father took me fishing. I remember practically begging for him to take me because I wanted to spend time with him so badly. He finally caved and brought me along. I think he felt guilty because he worked long hours and we didn’t see each other very often.
I remember that he put the worm on my fish hook for me, and we sat by the water waiting for a fish to bite. We spent hours talking, laughing, eating potato chips, and drinking cheap beers.
At one point, the conversation became deep and intense; my father broke down crying, and he revealed that he wasn’t able to get it up in the bedroom, which made him feel emasculated and disappointed in himself.
We went home when it started to get dark. We didn’t catch any fish, but I felt that my father and I were brought closer together because of the experience.
It was only much later in life that I realized that it’s impossible to catch any fish at a community swimming pool.
14. Are you going to finish those fries?
[Eat the remainder of the fries regardless of your target’s response]
15. Hi, my name is Jared. I’m not really sure how to continue this conversation because of crippling my social anxiety.
[Stare at your target and fidget uncomfortably]
[Suddenly realize that your name isn’t Jared]
[Turn around and sprint home]
16. How about you and I go back to my mom’s basement so I can show you the incredible life of an unemployed 47-year-old man-child?
17. SHARE WITH ME YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS AND FEARS
18. You look just like my grandmother. I mean when she was younger. She was really hot back then. I want to bang my grandmother.
19. Can I have your phone number? I’d like to call you at odd hours and breathe heavily into the phone while rubbing warm coconut oil all over my naked body.
20. Blowjob?
Let me know which pickup lines worked best in the comments below!