I live in a city filled with passive-aggressive people, so I deal with passive-aggression on a regular basis. When I first moved here, I found it difficult to believe that so much passive aggression could fit into a single city. I also discovered how difficult it can be to deal with people who I’m not even sure are angry in the first place.
The art of dealing with passive-aggression took me years to master. I skimmed through some web pages about passive-aggression, tried various techniques on some passive-aggressive people, went hiking a few times, and even ate at a fantastic Mexican restaurant. The steps below are based on my groundbreaking new discoveries about how to deal with passive-aggression, and they are guaranteed to produce great results 100% of the time*.
But what is passive-aggression? Great question! Passive-aggression is when someone is mad at you, but they don’t have the balls to tell you directly that they are mad, so they do shitty little things to indirectly communicate their frustration. Once you start to recognize such behavior, it will start to bug you because you will realize that a lot of people aren’t polite, but that they are actually just passive-aggressive assholes.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
- Karen from accounting puts a sticky note on the company refrigerator that says, “Please do not touch my salad. I made it this morning with organic quinoa for my gluten-free lactose-intolerant vegan paleo soy grapefruit tofu diet because I am better than you.”
- Michelle, the cute girl at the front desk, never invites you to any of her social gatherings because she thinks you are creepy without even knowing that you’ve memorized her menstrual cycle.
- Joe hides his stapler every time you walk by his cubicle. He remembers that the last time he let you use it, you tried to staple his legs together so he would walk like a penguin and you could save a trip to the zoo.
- Lucy fans her farts at you when you’re not looking.
- Michael the car salesman tries to sell you shitty, overpriced cars with a lot of useless upgrades, just like every other car salesperson in existence.
Now that we know everything we need to know, let’s get right down to it and resolve some passive-aggression in the workplace!
1. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and count.
The first thing you need to do when you find yourself in a passive-aggressive encounter is to compose yourself. If you lash out in anger, you will ruin your chances of managing the situation successfully. Instead, find a dark, quiet room where nobody will find you and slowly count to a million. By the time you are done, you will find that you are in a much better state of mind to work out the situation. Not only that, but you will also find that about 11 days have gone by, ensuring that people will be nicer to you because they thought you were dead. They may even throw you a party because they are happy to see you. Score!
2. Confront the person in a calm, level-headed manner.
Now that you are in a calm state of mind, it’s time to talk to the person about their passive-aggressive behavior. Don’t be afraid
It’s also important to do this in a socially acceptable manner. As tempting as it may
3. Use humor to defuse the situation.
If calm confrontation doesn’t work, you can try using humor to get your counterpart to open up to you. The following is one of my favorite jokes to tell a passive-aggressive person when things aren’t going as planned:
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Passive-aggressive person.
Passive-aggressive person who?
*Attach a sticky note to the person’s forehead that says, “STOP LEAVING ANNOYING STICKY NOTES EVERYWHERE” and walk away*
4. Eat a slice of watermelon.
This step will not do anything to help the situation, but you should do it anyway. Watermelons are delicious and contain a lot of water that will help you hydrate. Staying hydrated is important because your body needs water to function and it prevents kidney stones from developing. Kidney stones hurt like hell and should be avoided at all costs. Your goal should be to pee clear every hour of the day. I also recommend having a BPA-free water bottle with you at all times and keeping it filled with ice-cold filtered water, which will encourage you to drink water without even thinking about it!
5. Sympathize with the person.
Recall some examples of when you did passive-aggressive things and share them with your counterpart. Help the person see that you, too, are perfectly capable of silently being a dick to others. By doing so, your counterpart will let their guard down, making the next and final step of this process easier to execute.
6. Punch the motherfucker as hard as you can.
Passive-aggressiveness is literally killing this country, and it is your civic duty to help put an end to it. As soon as you’re done shaking hands on the new bullshit agreement about not abusing printer privileges or whatever, take aim at the asshole’s stupid smug grin and have at it. If nothing else, you’ll feel a lot better. Mission accomplished.
*Disclaimer: None of this will work. Don’t try any of this. Seriously. Please.