Unfortunately, there is a time when every one of us will die. You, me, your stupid pet goldfish that does nothing but suck its own poop into its mouth and then spit it out all day, and even my high school geometry teacher, Mr. Rodriguez. God, I loved that guy. He had a charming accent and beautiful curly hair, and he told some of the best damn jokes. But perhaps more importantly, he taught me high school geometry, which would be useful for an entire 9 months of my life.
Naturally, this is the part of the conversation where we talk about where and how we would not want to die. One surprising answer to this question is a toilet. You don’t ever want to die sitting on a toilet, and here are 3 reasons why.
1. Your final thoughts will be toilet-related
Despite what most Hollywood films tell us, bathrooms are not a great place to create positive memories. Bathrooms are a place where people fart, do their poops, and sometimes fail to flush because life is too damn short to make time for such petty things.
Instead of being surrounded by loved ones as you pass on, imagine your last thought, as you sit there alone, being any of the following:
-“Ugh god, I’m pretty sure that turd just doubled the diameter of my asshole.”
-“Why is there no more toilet paper? My butt is soaking wet from that delicious Chipotle I ate last night.”
-“OH LOOK, CORN!”
“I wish I could keep the water from splashing on my balls every time I drop one off.”
-“The deodorizing spray they use here smells terrible, and I can still smell the shit the last person took.”
-“When I smell poo, am I actually breathing in particles of poo through my nose? Does that mean I am exposing my respiratory system to solid waste every time I take a breath in the bathroom? Should I have brought a gas mask?”
-“OH LOOK, A QUARTER!”
Is any of these really what you want your last memory in the living world to be?
2. It would burden your loved ones
Have you tried to lift another human being who has gone totally limp on you? If you haven’t, let me be the first to tell you that it’s pretty hard. This is because when people are lifted up by another person, conscious of it or not, they tend to make it easier for the person to lift them by balancing themselves. Lifting dead weight (BA DUM TSS) is difficult and shitty (BA DUM TSS), plain and simple.
Now, imagine lifting that same dead body, except its dick is dangling around and is covered in shit. I mean the body is covered and shit, not the dick. Well, maybe the dick is covered in shit, too, depending on the solidity and mass of the shit. But either way, it sounds difficult, right? Is this something you really want to burden your family with on top of funeral expenses, taking on your massive consumer debt, and having to distribute your decorative splintery wooden dildo collection to your heirs? The answer should be no, but if you need more convincing, read on.
3. You will be remembered as the gal/guy who died on a toilet
Suppose Ben the car salesman dies on a toilet. Do you think you’ll remember that about him for the rest of your life, or the fact that he increased corporate revenue for his dealership by 10% by selling a lot of cars? Probably the former, right?
That’s the nature of dying on a toilet. You could win a Nobel-Frickin’-Prize and prevent the third World War, but at the end of the day, if you die on a toilet, that’s what will be written on your tombstone. Dying on a toilet isn’t the legacy you want to leave behind.