Whether it’s a coworker you’ve known for several years or some rando you met through a sleazy dating app, first dates can be both exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. There are hundreds and hundreds of websites that provide tips on what to do and what not to do on a first date, but none of them are trustworthy because I did not write them.
So why is this dating advice only for women, and why is it written by me, a man (*GASP*)? Easy: Being a man, I know what men like. Instead of trying to guess what goes on inside the head of a man, why not just get your advice from a person who has been inside a man for over three decades? (Note to self: This sounds weird. Go back and fix it later.)
Also, fair warning to those who are sensitive to heteronormativity, because oh-my-gosh it assumes a woman’s date partner is going to be a man: This article is written based on my experience as a man who has been on first dates with women. I have never been a woman while on a date with another woman, so I do not know what kind of advice to provide for those situations. Maybe I’ll trick someone into doing a guest post for me sometime to address that. Until then, here are your tips, ladies.
1.) Wear clothes.
Yes, men are guilty of trying to get women naked on a first date even when it’s so not appropriate to do so, but that doesn’t mean you should show up without clothes. Wearing clothes tells your date two things:
1. You own clothes.
2. You thought it would be a good idea to wear clothes.
Odds are, your date won’t really care what it is you’re wearing as long as you’re an interesting person and moderately physically attractive in some way. If you insist on not wearing clothes on your first date, make sure you know that this is what your date partner would prefer, too. Showing up to a first date in your birthday suit is quite a gamble on multiple levels. If you choose to take that path, remember to order a large pizza in advance and bring a six-pack of beer to mitigate risk.
2.) Ask him questions.
You should try not to turn your first date into a job interview, but asking him questions will let your date share more about himself. We men like to talk about ourselves more than anything else in the world, and we appreciate every opportunity we are given to do so. Asking probing questions could lead to some fun (or horrifying) discoveries about your date and make the conversation more interesting (or terrifying). Make sure your questions are open-ended. If you only ask yes/no questions, it will be harder for your date to give a good response.
Examples of yes/no questions:
-Did you park your car over there?
-Is my nose bleeding? Should I shove a tampon in there just in case?
-Can I eat half of your hamburger?
-Do you think the other people here are shushing me because I’m asking you questions during a movie?
-Do you mind if I pop that zit on your nose? It’s bugging me.
-Should I buy more Bitcoins?
Examples of open-ended questions:
-What’s the deal with Eskimos?
-What do you think about dick pics on a first date?
-What does your mucus smell like?
-If you had to murder either 1 human baby or 100 puppies with your bare hands, which would you choose and why?
-How did you get those sweet manboobs?
-How much money do you make? What’s your net worth? How would you feel if a woman you were on a first date with revealed that she secretly had three children and was planning to give you custody of them so you could raise them in a better environment?
-Why aren’t you answering any of my open-ended questions?
3.) Don’t ask for dick pics.
As tempting as it may be, it’s generally considered uncouth to ask for dick pics on a first date. You may want to ask open-ended questions (see above) to subtly probe if your date is a dick-pic-on-a-first-date type of guy, but men generally prefer to send dick pics before the first date. If your date hasn’t sent you dick pics at this point, you’ve missed your window of opportunity, and you will have to wait for the next one. Make every effort to build trust and develop the relationship before you demand schlong photos.
4.) Don’t use your phone during the date.
…That is, unless you’re only with the fellow because you lost a bet about how many pineapples you could stick up your butt with your best friend and you want to imply that you have other things you would rather do so you can get out quickly. In all other cases, don’t even bring your phone, because you will probably be tempted to pull it out so you can play with that app that lets you toss obese birds at buildings. If you do bring your phone by accident, go ahead and politely excuse yourself so you can destroy it. You can always buy a new phone, but you will never have another first date with the same person.
5.) If you have to take a poo, do it in the restroom.
This tip may surprise some of you, but most men consider seeing their partner poo to be a second-date-and-beyond activity. If you insist on pooing in front of your date (or on him), there is a chance that you will come off as desperate or clingy. Should you feel the urge to poo, go ahead and excuse yourself so you can do it in the restroom while you destroy your phone.
Pingback: 5 Little-Known Jobs That Are Way Better Than Your Current Job - Life Is Too Hard