How to Keep Your New Year’s Resolution

Now that we’re a month into the new year, it’s time to talk about new year’s resolutions.

Is your goal for 2018 to lose weight? Shed some pounds? Eat less junk food? Go on a diet? Not eat everything that looks remotely edible? Whatever your goal may be, studies* have shown that you have a 95% chance of giving up by February (which is now), so common sense you shouldn’t even bother trying, and science says you’ve probably already failed.

But what if I told you there are ways to increase your odds of success in sticking to your resolution? You’d probably be ecstatic and want to send me $100 every month for the rest of your life, right? Great, let’s make that happen! Here are 3 steps you can take to guarantee** that you will achieve your new year’s resolution.

1. Set a goal you can attain

If your goal is to lose 100 pounds of weight by the end of the year, there is a very good chance that you will not succeed. Losing 100 pounds in a year is a ridiculous goal to set, especially if you already only weigh 90 pounds. You would have to vaporize yourself and then lose an additional 10 pounds to be successful.

But what if we started nice and small, and made sure your goal was attainable? You would be much less likely to give up, and you would proudly be able to say at the end of the year that you’ve achieved your goal! So for this example, a better goal might be something like, “Don’t gain 100 pounds by the end of the week.” You’re basically going for the same thing, but with much less pressure and with the added satisfaction of being able to do whatever the fuck you want and still be able to achieve your goal. That is, of course, unless you can’t keep your hands off those hamburgers. Those yummy, delicious hamburgers.

hamburger — It’s okay, I’ve done the math. My new year’s resolution is still attainable.

2. Surround yourself with supportive people

Imagine that your goal is to lose some of that beer belly that your significant other finds adorable for some reason. Now imagine that you are surrounded by friends who, whenever you go out to eat, encourage you to join them and eat just one hamburger! “It’ll be fine, you already look great!” “Live a little, man! You’re always trying so hard!” “What difference would one hamburger make, anyway? Treat yourself for once!”

Pretty hard not to shove just one more hamburger into your face, right? Right. I think you’re seeing what is going on here: If you hang out with people who love you for who you are, their focus will be to have a good time with you, not support your silly little new year’s resolution. This is completely unacceptable if you want to achieve your goal.

Instead, here’s something you should try: Get rid of all your friends and try to be around people who hate you for who you are and want you not to be you. Doing so will drive you to make a change. How would you feel about reaching out for another hamburger if everyone around you is shouting into your face, “DON’T EAT IT! YOU ARE ALREADY FAT AND UNATTRACTIVE! PUTTING THIS FOOD INTO YOUR BODY WILL MAKE YOU A SUB-HUMAN BLOB OF LARD, YOU HELPLESS PIECE OF CRAP!!!!”

THIS HAMBURGER AND YOUR FACE ARE TO BE KEPT AT LEAST 500 FEET AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER AT ALL TIMES

3. Track your progress

So you’ve set an attainable goal and surrounded yourself with supportive people who will help you achieve your goal. So far, so good. Sooooo good <3. But how will you know when you’ve finally met your goal? If you read the giant bold words above this paragraph, you know the answer, and it’s easy: Track your progress. You should measure frequently and consistently to ensure that you are on the right path. Without measuring, you also will not know if you achieved your goal or failed miserably like you usually do.

If your goal is to lose weight, tracking your progress is easy. You just need to get on a scale to see how you are doing. You can also count the number of hamburgers you have eaten to get a rough idea of how far off you are. For an accurate measurement, you will ideally just spend your entire year sitting on a scale with a clipboard for tracking the number of hamburgers you’ve eaten.

Pic unrelated, but cats are great when you need a furry little friend with sharp claws to attack your dick.

There you have it–the 3 steps to sticking to any new year’s resolution. Let me know in the comments how it goes if you’re successful! If you’re not successful, it’s clearly your fault, and you need to try harder next year.

*I’m sure this study exists somewhere. I, for one, have failed to keep literally every single one of my resolutions.

**Disclaimer: Nothing I say is ever guaranteed, especially if I say it is guaranteed.