If you’re like most human beings with Internet access, you’ve probably taken a dump in a toilet before. And if you’re me, you likely then noticed that your poop was stuck to part of the toilet and thought to yourself, Man, my poop sure is sticky. I wonder if I could find a way to make use of my poop’s stickiness and maybe, like, use it instead of glue to build my next model airplane? Oh my gosh *gasp*, am I onto something? Will I be the next Bill Gates?
The answer is–and this will surprise those of you who suck at reading titles–no, poop would not make a good adhesive. And you are not the next Bill Gates.
So what makes poo a not-so-great glue, even though the two words rhyme? Why shouldn’t you mass-produce your new product, “Ted’s Brown, Smelly Glue Substitute that is Totally Safe to Use™,” and expect it to be a huge success? Let’s find out.
1. There are quality control issues
Like the old saying goes, “If the shoe fits, wear it; if the butt shits, glue it.” However, not all shit that comes out of your butt is glue-worthy. Sometimes, your deuce is far too firm, much like my friend’s mom from my elementary school days who had a weird bruise on her arm, would nod off at PTA meetings, and had the wildest moodswings. She was pretty firm. At other times, poo is too liquidy, much like… uh… a liquid. Due to the unpredictable nature of poops, it’s hard to imagine a world where it could replace glue for keeping our glueable objects together.
2. Stacie, I miss you. Please call me back so we can talk things out. I left like 20 voicemails last night and then cried myself to sleep. I need you.
3. The government wouldn’t appreciate it
As a former investigative journalist*, I can tell you with 100% certainty** that all politicians–big, small, young, old, beautiful, ugly, greedy, greedier–are sipping on your shit. When you take a fresh dump and flush it down the toilet, it is a fact that there is a politician on the other end of the pipes, waiting for your shit to float right into their fat, disgusting mouth***.
By removing your shit from the politicians’ food chain so you can make glue, you are creating a state of unrest in the natural order of politics. Without your shit to sip on, the politicians may have to go back to doing other activities they are typically associated with, like sending thoughts and prayers to the parents of children who just got murdered by a gun-wielding lunatic in school or making sure that the wealthiest citizens get an even bigger share of your tax money. If the government catches onto what you’re doing with your shits, watch out: You just might get a knock on your door from the FBI (Feces & Butts Institute)!
4. Poop is gross.
Like most things that come out of your butthole, poop is gross. This in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, another property of glue other than its stickiness is that people sometimes sniff it to get high. Poop, on the other hand, is sniffed by car salesmen to get weird, crooked car salesman boners because of how gross it is. I think you can see where I am going with this–you’re basically handing Big Glue an easy opportunity to launch a campaign against your Poo Glue™ and kill the project before it gets out of the toilet and into people’s hands. You could switch demographics and try to corner the car salesman boner market, but that’s not what we’re really after.
5. It has too much blood in it.
Typical household glues only have a miniscule amount of blood in it, practically invisible to the naked eye. On the other hand, according to my own personal measurements and investigative journalism, a single shit can contain as much as 300 ml of blood. That’s almost as much as a can of soda!
And by that, of course, I mean that a can of soda has a little more than 300 ml of soda in it, not that a can of soda has 300 ml of blood in it. 300 ml would be too much blood in your soda. Can you imagine? Like, if you were to open a can of soda, and you were like, “Oh wow, most of this soda is just blood. I didn’t think soda had this much blood in it. Honey, come check this out. Soda is mostly blood. We’ve been drinking blood every time we cracked open an ice-cold can of soda. Yeah, blood, like, the red stuff that comes out of your butthole when you had all-you-can-eat steak the night before and then push too hard in the morning because you’re in a hurry. The more you know, huh?”
What did you think? Do you still think you can use your poop to stick things together instead of glue?
Because you shouldn’t. Fucker.
*This is not true. I lied. I am lying about 99% of all things in this website, and you should know that by now.
**Also not true.
***This one might be true.