In general, vegetables are good for you. They contain a variety of vitamins and minerals, don’t have weird artificial ingredients, and provide fiber so your poops come out nice and easy.
However, not all vegetables were created equal. Here are 4 vegetables that I don’t recommend hanging out with, based on a vote I held in a dark room by myself about an hour ago.
1. Cauliflower
Cauliflower is basically broccoli’s underachieving cousin. Sure, the two vegetables look kind of similar, but broccoli whoops cauliflower’s butt in every aspect: vitamins, minerals, fiber, and even protein content.
It’s worth noting that cauliflower doesn’t even look like a vegetable. It is a weird off-white color and is basically a collection of lumps. I mean, cauliflower, dude… go see a dermatologist already.
If you find that you are out of broccoli and some idiot in your household bought cauliflower instead, then you may have to suck it up and eat cauliflower. In all other instances, stay away from this imposter. You deserve better.
How to eat cauliflower if you have to: Boil the shit out of it, slather it with butter and shredded cheese, close your eyes, and pretend it’s broccoli.
2. Mushrooms
Mushrooms are pretty great. I like them a lot. In fact, they’re not even a vegetable; they’re a fungus. Mushrooms don’t belong here at all, but I wanted to put them on this list because I found a picture of one that looks kind of like a dick.
How to eat a mushroom: Lick it gently. Then, slowly insert the tip into your mouth. Gradually put the rest of it into your mouth, and make sure to get the whole shaft in–mushrooms like it when you do that. Savor the flavor by moving it in and out of your mouth without using your teeth. Tickle its balls if you’re feeling sassy.
3. Asparagus
Besides being moderately annoying to prepare, asparagus has the awful quality of making your urine smell bad the following day. It’s like their way of giving you the middle finger for eating them. You still win in the end because you’re alive and they’re just a dumb vegetable you’ve just eaten, but there are plenty of vegetables out there that don’t make you the most hated person in a public restroom.
How to eat asparagus if you have to: Eat it the night before visiting someone you don’t like. Alternatively, stop peeing for the rest of your life.
4. Artichokes
I’ve got to hand it to them–artichokes do look pretty cool, but the time it takes to prepare them is disproportionately bad compared to the pleasure you get from eating them.
Case in point: Click here to see an article describing how to prepare artichokes. Notice anything? If you didn’t, you might want to go wipe the mushroom juice from your eyes and scroll through the article again. Go on, I’ll wait.
For the rest of you, you are correct: The article is stupidly long and has a lot of individual steps. I could probably go back to school and get a degree in computer science, find a wife, get married, have 3 kids, have a mid-life crisis, get into frequent fights with my wife, get sick of fighting with my wife, get divorced, find another woman who loves me for who I am, get remarried, retire from work, enjoy retirement, and die a happy man in the time it takes someone to follow all the steps to prepare an artichoke. Then, after all that, you get to eat a fraction of a bite at a time with each petal you tear off the damn thing. To be fair, artichoke hearts are tasty, but the labor it takes to finally get there is insane.
Here is a pie chart that illustrates the ratio of pleasure you get from an artichoke:
So, should you ever eat an artichoke? If you like to put a lot of effort into things only to get very little in the way of results, then yes, definitely. On the other hand, if you are a sane human being, then no, you should stay away from artichokes at all costs.
How to eat artichokes if you have to: Have someone else prepare them for you, preferably someone you hate. Then, only go for the hearts, because bothering with each petal is like trying to wipe your butt with a toothpick. If you have to prepare the artichokes yourself and eat the petals for some weird reason, request 2 weeks’ worth of time off from work that you can dedicate solely to your artichokes, and then prepare yourself for a world of disappointment.