Ah, spring: A fantastic time of year when you ignore the whole coronavirus thing and instead take a look at the flowers blooming, the warm winds blowing on your face, and of course, men putting their balls in bear traps. But is it really a good idea for them to be doing this? Should you put your balls in a bear trap? Let’s take a closer look.
And in case you couldn’t tell, this article is for the gents. But ladies, do feel free to share it with any ball-wielding folks you know.
1. You might piss off the bear trap owner
If there’s a bear trap, there’s definitely someone hunting bears. And what’s scarier than a bear? A person who kills bears, that’s what! And if that scary person who kills bears sees some random dude putting his hairy sack in her bear trap, she is probably going to be pretty upset.
When you’re done with the bear trap and it’s time to pack your balls and head home for the day, consider leaving an apology note for the bear trap owner along with a five-dollar bill, just to be safe.
2. The metal may not be good for your skin
Nut sack skin is very sensitive, and most bear traps are made of some kind of metal. If you’ve never put your balls in a bear trap before, you may be in for a nasty surprise! Metal allergy is a real thing, and you don’t want your first balls-in-a-bear-trap experience to be the time you find out that you have it.
If you really must place your balls into the razor-sharp metal teeth of a bear trap, first try rubbing them against the metal and wait a little bit to make sure you don’t have an allergic reaction. If everything feels fine, then it’s balls away!
Important note: I found a picture of a skin rash to post here, but it was way too gross to post, so I decided against it. I didn’t want to bump the MPAA rating of this page up to R from PG because of the grossness. Just imagine how gross a sack rash would look. It would look really gross, like just really super duper gross.
3. Your parents might be disappointed in you
Your parents brought you into this world with high hopes for you–they wanted you to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, or maybe even an astronaut.
But what do they get instead? Their son decides to put his balls into a bear trap. Their own flesh and blood. Their son. His balls. In a bear trap. That’s what he chose to do with his life, and he’s probably a car salesman to boot. I can’t even imagine the disappointed look on their faces. Perhaps you should reconsider!
Important note: If you grew up like Batman, this does not apply to you. Carry on.
4. The opportunity cost is too great
“Opportunity cost” is an economics term that means something like, “Look, man, if you weren’t busy eating top ramen, you could be eating pizza right now! Dude, have you ever thought about it that way? Isn’t life, like, magical and stuff with all the choices we have?”
In other words, if you didn’t have your balls caught in a bear trap, you could have been doing other things like going to the beach to stare at people, writing a poem about toe jam, or stuffing your face into your pet rabbit’s soft, vulnerable belly. Instead, you decided to put the family jewels in a bear trap and just sit there.
If you’re happy with your decision, then great! More power to you. But if you’re starting to worry about the things you’re missing out on, it might be time to unclamp yourself and go finish that erotic fan fiction novel you promised yourself you’d publish before turning 45.
Important note: Nobody wants to read your stupid erotic fan fiction novel.
5. You might rip your pants
Bear traps clamp down with a lot of power, and that means that if you’re not careful, it might tear through your clothes. If you don’t want to risk ruining a perfectly good pair of pants, make sure to remove your pants completely and put them in a safe location far away from the bear trap. Or maybe, just maybe, it might be best to keep your balls away from bear traps after all!
Important note: Pants cost money.
What do you think? Are you convinced that you shouldn’t put your balls in a bear trap? Or did this article make you want to do it even more? Share your thoughts below!