All good things must come to an end, and relationships are no different. The most annoying among you readers will say, “But some people get married and stay married forever because they are happy together,” but you are wrong. Everyone who is married is secretly unhappy.
Now that I’ve injected some awesome new knowledge into your brain, let’s skip ahead to the tips, much like the waiter who brought me my bill without bringing me my food at Appleb some anonymous restaurant.
1. Try to be alone.
Common wisdom tells you that you should spend more time with your friends after a breakup, but common wisdom also caused slavery, AIDS, and every single war in the history of mankind. We can conclude from this that common wisdom is like your douchey friend who always has shitty ideas like, “Hey man, you should totally quit your full-time job and pursue a career in collecting funny T-shirts, haha.”
It might be tempting to hang out with your friends after your breakup, but remember how when you were in a relationship, they always said things like,
“Awwww, you two are so cute together <3” and
“I think you two would have really good-looking kids!”?
After you broke up, they probably started saying things like,
“You know, I always knew [insert ex’s name here] was a complete and utter asshole,” and
“You’re better off without that dick in your life, and it’s a good thing you ended it.”
That’s right: Your friends are dirty, filthy liars who can’t be trusted, just like common wisdom. Do you really want to be around untrustworthy people during a time of your life when you are so vulnerable? Take this opportunity to end any friendships with people you believe are the least bit untrustworthy. In fact, you should just stop talking to all of your friends altogether. You won’t need your friends if you are following this guide, because the next step you will take is…
2. Immediately try to be super good friends with your ex.
Trying to rekindle the relationship at any point after a breakup is a terrible idea, but you should absolutely be in close contact with the person you recently discovered you can’t be in a relationship with. Doing so will definitely not affect any of your future relationships with anyone else, stir up old feelings, or cause other complications in any way whatsoever. This is especially true if your ex was jealous and/or abusive. Sure, you can’t be in a relationship with a person like that, but that person could be a great friend with no ulterior motives!
3. Follow your ex closely on social media.
How can you be friends with someone without knowing every detail about their everyday life? The answer is simple: You can’t. As soon as the relationship is over, be sure to make following your ex’s social media posts your number one priority in your life. Trying to shut your ex out of your social media life would be rude and only show that you are an immature person.
4. Write heartfelt letters and send them to your ex.
Communication is the key to success in any friendship, and your new friendship with your ex is no different. Breakups can be tough, and if your ex doesn’t know what you are going through at any given moment, your friendship will only be as strong as a praying mantis that only does cardio exercises at the gym. Any time you feel the urge to write an emotional letter to your ex, you should act on those urges and just do it. Your brain is the smartest organ in your body, so if your brain says you should write letters to your ex, you should listen to it and write letters to your ex.
5. Never date anyone else again, ever.
A friend of mine told me, “A wise man once said, ‘Albert Einstein said, “People will misattribute this quote to me one day, but someone somewhere said, ‘The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.'”‘”
Dating is no different. If you tried dating someone and it ended miserably, what makes you think that dating someone will be any different the second time? Spoiler alert: It won’t be. If you’ve failed at dating once in your life, you will only fail at it again, so you’re probably better off not trying again.
There you have it. If you follow all of this advice, you’ll probably be over your breakup in no time, guaranteed*. Good luck out there, and remember–the best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong.
*Disclaimer: Results not guaranteed.
This post is gold. I will follow it to the letter.
Break ups are so much fun!
That’s right, dear reader. Breakups are fun. In fact, I often find myself wanting to be in a relationship just so I can enjoy the breakup phase.