A Beginner’s Guide to Bitcoin (Part 1)

What the heck is “Bitcoin”? Why is everyone talking about it? What is a “cryptocurrency”? Is a “blockchain” edible? What’s this weird rash growing in my dick area?

Fear not, reader, for this post will answer most of your questions. (You should probably get a dick doctor to look at that last thing.)

Let’s start by talking about Bitcoin: What is Bitcoin? Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency, which is essentially money in the form of digital code. Because it is a digital currency, you cannot print a Bitcoin, roll it up and snort cocaine with it, or shove it up your butt hole to make a tunnel for guinea pigs like you can with dollar bills. Bitcoins are popular with people because there is only a limited supply of them. Bitcoins have been around since 2009, but now that it’s 2017, people suddenly think Bitcoins will be how we will pay for things in the future, and that’s why everybody wants some Bitcoins.

A blockchain is how Bitcoin transactions are recorded; it is a digital ledger of sorts, and it’s stored on a bunch of computers all over the world. No, blockchains are not edible. When you send a Bitcoin to your “friend” in exchange for some “favors,” a bunch of computers on the blockchain are notified of the transaction. Once these computers are totally cool with your transaction, the transaction is official and permanent, and you will never get your Bitcoins back because your “friend” has them and will refuse to give you a refund despite the awful dick rash you contracted.

Here are some examples of how people might use Bitcoin to buy things in the real world:

Example 1

-Sally says to Greg, “I really like your mustache. I’ll buy it off you for 5 Bitcoins.”

-Greg looks up the value of Bitcoins on the web and discovers that Bitcoins are worth $5,000 each, putting the total dollar value of Sally’s Bitcoins at $25,000.

-Remembering that he bought the mustache for $10,000, Greg agrees to the transaction and receives 5 Bitcoins in exchange for his mustache.

-Just a few months later, Bitcoins are worth $20,000 each.

-Sally realizes that had she held onto the Bitcoins, she would have made a net profit of a $7.5 million.

-Sally is bad at math.

Example 2

-Joey has a hankering for some top-quality cocaine, so he uses 2 Bitcoins to purchase 10 ounces of cocaine from his drug dealer.

-Success!

Example 3

-Bob wants some of Jenny’s Bitcoins, so he asks if she would be willing to sell some to him.

-Jenny agrees to sell 10 of her Bitcoins at the market rate of $20,000 each.

-Bob pays Jenny in cash, and Jenny gives Bob 10 Bitcoins.

-Bob stores the Bitcoins in cold storage, which is an offline device. This way, nobody can hack his computer and steal his Bitcoins.

-Bob’s cold storage device is destroyed in a tragic toilet accident, and his Bitcoins are lost forever.

So at this point, you’re probably wondering: How much should I invest in this mythical, magical digital currency that is hitting record-high prices?

I’ve read at least 3 articles online about Bitcoin, so I believe this makes me an expert on Bitcoin*. The answer is simple: However much you want. Bitcoin could fly to the moon and be worth billions of trillions of dollars one day, or the price may just drop to a few cents a piece because people will suddenly realize that there’s more to life than collecting Bitcoins. Just buy what you’re comfortable with, because nobody knows where the price will go in the future.

Disclosure: I own some Bitcoins, and as a serious person on the Internet, I need to disclose this, or else I think I might get in trouble somehow.

*Disclaimer: This is not advice. Nothing you find on this website is real advice. Really, don’t take any of it seriously. If you do, you are using the Internet very incorrectly.