News flash: There are people out there who are rich. Richer than you, me, and even your high school geometry teacher. Maybe even richer than the three of us combined.
These rich people are the ones who buy homes without securing a mortgage, order two hamburgers when they eat out, and wear bulletproof dick vests everywhere they go, because fuck you, they can afford it. And they can afford it because they are financially independent, which means they have too much money to spend their time doing petty things like working.
So how the heck do these people achieve this level of wealth? By having a lot of money. So how do they have a lot of money, UGH it is SO hard to ask you questions sometimes? Lucky for you, I have been reading personal finance blogs written by rich people off and on for about three months now, and although I am not financially independent myself (like, at all–please give me money), I feel like this makes me more than qualified to give you advice about your personal finances*.
Without further ado, here are the 4 steps to make yourself financially independent in no time.
1. Don’t buy stuff you can’t afford.
Sounds easy, right? It is, and this advice couldn’t be simpler. Just don’t buy stuff you can’t afford. Simple as that.
2. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.
This one is a little bit harder. Whenever you’re about to make a purchasing decision, whether it be a new SUV, a new house, or yet another decorative splintery wooden dildo for your secret decorative splintery wooden dildo collection, you should ask yourself the following questions:
Will this purchase set me back on my path to financial independence?
Will I need to go into debt to buy this thing?
Will this thing make me happy 1 year from now? 10 years from now?
What will people think if they see me buying a decorative splintery wooden dildo?
Come to think of it, who the heck needs a decorative splintery wooden dildo? What would I even use this thing for? Why do I collect these things, anyway?
Oh god, I totally just bought another decorative splintery wooden dildo. What the heck was I thinking? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
3. Can’t afford it? Consider not buying it!
The key to true financial independence is having more money than you spend. If you buy things you can’t afford, then by definition, you are denying yourself financial independence because you have to keep working at your 9 to 5 job to pay for these various luxuries. And by “luxuries,” I don’t necessarily mean the latest high-end vehicle that an evil car salesman tricked you into buying; everyday purchases can be considered luxuries, too, especially if they’re things you don’t really need.
Take this real-life example:
If you buy coffee every morning at the local coffee shop, that’s like, what, $3 you’re spending every day? Right? Right. Let’s go with that assumption and do the math to see how much this coffee habit is actually costing you.
$3 x 365 days x 10,000 years = $10,950,000
As you can see, over the course of just 10 millennia, that amounts to a lot of money! Wow! The moral of the story is that unless you have 11 million dollars to spare, don’t drink coffee.
4. Only buy stuff you can afford.
My last piece of advice in this article is perhaps the most important. Limiting the stuff you buy to things within your wallet’s reach will go a long way toward your early retirement. Does something you want to buy cost 30 billion dollars? It may be tempting, but don’t buy it! Just don’t! You’ll thank yourself later when you are retired and not 30 billion dollars in debt.
So there you have it: The 4 steps to financial freedom. Feel free to leave a comment below and share your strategy for achieving financial independence.
*Disclaimer: I am not a financial advisor. If you do take any of my advice, please do so with a giant fistful of salt. I cannot be held accountable if you follow my advice and become miserable as a result.