When you are on vacation, what do you think is the one thing you absolutely need to get right?
Is it great lodging? Cheap airfare? Finding the best restaurants? Friendly travel companions? Just having fun?
If you said “all of the above,” you are wrong, and you are probably stupid and have a neckbeard.
So what is the one thing you need? It’s your cell phone. In order to make sure your trip isn’t a complete catastrophe, you need to focus literally all of your efforts on not dropping your cell phone in a toilet.
If you are a human being living in the year 2017, you have a cell phone (probably a fancy smartphone), and you use it for all aspects of your travels: Booking tickets, listening to your music, taking photos, checking your itinerary, using the GPS, and of course, sending dick pics to your loved ones back home. If you drop your phone in a toilet, you will not be able to do any of these things.
So how do you prevent the dreaded phone-dropped-on-a-freshly-laid-turd situation? Here is a list of tips for you to follow every time you check your phone as you squeeze turds out from between your butt cheeks.
1. Hold your phone out as far as you can.
Don’t want to risk dropping your phone into the bowl? Easy: Eliminate the possibility of doing so by holding your phone waaaay the fuck out there. Extend your arms as far as they go, and remember to keep your phone away from the bowl at all costs.
That’s it.
I lied; there is no list. I put that number “1” there to remind you that this is the most important thing you need to do while on vacation. Everything else will just fall into place as long as you’re not stuck with a shit-covered phone.
If you didn’t read any other part of this article, just remember this clever rhyme I just made up: When you’re on the throne, hold out your phone.